Sometimes, you need hugs to make you feel better. But there are times when you have absolutely no clue as to what would make you feel better, and you just sit there, waiting. Waiting for something to come up, for something to magically appear and help your mind get out of the mess it’s in.
And that thing never arrives and you end up becoming this anxious, frustrated individual, trying everything to help you become stable.
My mind, lately, has been in a mess and I really don’t know why. All I can gather from this state is that there is almost like this, blurry, grey, thick cloud looming around my mind, blocking and numbing everything. I feel sad for things I’d never care about, I feel incomplete. I feel like I’m not enough for anything. I’ve been horrible at communicating lately, to the point that I’ve cut off people from my life and I feel it’s going out of control now.
This is almost scary because I only felt like this when I was in school and I thought I’ve come quite far and grown up but
UGH
So here’s the deal. I don’t know if writing about this is going to help me heal. Man I still don’t know what would make me feel better and as days go by, I’m getting more and more desperate to get better, but this ‘down in the dumps’ feeling only gets worse. It’s like this downward spiral and there’s no end to this.
I remembered how I referred to this blog as my home. I remembered how I felt better after reading my previous blog posts because of all my kind words to myself and my readers.
It’s just, this feeling of having this thick grey fog has been extremely overwhelming. To the point where I’ve exclaimed, often, that all I need is a bit of happiness. It’s like sitting inside some kind of enclosure where happiness isn’t reaching you even though you know it’s there.
All this, while I’ve tried finding homes (not literal ones) — in people, in places, in books, etc. I’m trying to hold on to remotely similar people, trying to make homes, while reminiscing about the old ones.
I need to adjust. I need to come to terms with the fact that nothing’s going to go the way it used to. Things are new, the bad past experiences may be back, and I need courage to tackle them.
I need to realize that homes can be made anywhere and everywhere, but each of them would be different and that’s okay. I can be comfortable. I can be happy.
My mind might take some time to get untangled. I may not have the mental strength to fight back strongly. I may also have to pull a Bob Ross and paint the heck outta my life with bright colours that will hurt the eyes of my haters. And. I. Will. Do. That.
It’s a self reminder. But you may read it and feel better. I hope.
Man, I just wish you guys happy moments, and easy breathing, and loads and loads of strength to get through life. Mine’s being tough on me. And I HAD to write it out.
Untill next time!
Originally published at http://lifethroughreflections.wordpress.com on September 23, 2019.